what if there's really nothing.

I showed my mom my photos. She looks at some very careful. She skipped a few. She laughed at a few. In the end she chose a few to keep. I was so happy. Mom being mom. 

Then I waited. I showed my dad my photos. Its the equivalent to submitting your painting to AWS. All excited .. hopeful that maybe I would score this round. He is a tough judge hard to please. If he said nice, I know I would have been qualified. Made it! 

He run through them .. 10s, 20s, 30s.. spending less than secs at each. Some of them are facing him in the wrong direction.. but it wasn't interesting enough for him to even take that extra sec to turn them around to look again. He stopped at a few asking me where were they taken, but those were not my proudest. .. I asked him if he knew the orientation of my photos. He quickly demonstrated he knew and continued skimming them. I wished I never had shown him.

I felt like a 6 year old..that moment. I didn;t feel I had the courage to defend my works. 

nothing could have consoled me.

He later told me .. he felt I had 'nothing' in the photos as in everything was of equal emphasis so the audience didn't know what to look at.. He said I was just shooting what i liked.. for myself.

That's so partly true.. what's so special to me has been shared to others. I hope to bring that same fascination I have with them to others too, especially my loved ones.

But I walked away asking myself... seriously what if there's really nothing.. nothing there worth sharing. 

p.s. for those of you who kept my photos. Thank you. Thank you very much. 

One step Forward ...

One step forward, two steps back. definition:

"something that you say which means every time you make progress, something bad happens which causes you to be in a worse situation than you were to begin with. Every solution we come up with seems to create more problems than it solves, so it's one step forward, two steps back."

As I took the courage to move ahead.. but things are holding me back.
I cannot really set myself free.
They thought it would not be possible and I have taken ownership to their beliefs.
How could those inaccurate judgments determine an unknown consequence?
They are no longer valid nor appropriate. Why haven't you validate?
I have decided to move ahead.. to move fast.. and to forward.
My thirst is beyond your understandings. I have a Calling don't you know?
The voice ringing inside my head.
A Vision is for me to fulfill.

It will be many many a steps forward.. and there will be no no step back.

Ramly

extracted from wikipedia

The Ramly Burger, also known as the Burger Ramly, is a Malaysian burger created by Ramly Moknin popular in Malaysiaand Singapore. Though the term "Ramly Burger" may refer to any of the hamburgers sold in a Ramly Burger stall, it most commonly refers to the Ramly Burger Special. While the amount and type of ingredients vary greatly depending on location, a typical Ramly Burger consists of a beef or chicken patty, margarine, onions, an egg, cabbage, mayonnaise, Worcestershire sauce and Maggi Seasoning. This list is subjective, however, as Ramly Burgers are famous for being highly customizable.

Oh. i wonder where to find a good ramly burger. I have never heard or seen a ramly burger before I set foot in Malaysia. 

When I first saw Ramly I was pretty disgusted by its preparation. I thought burger means macdonalds or burger king. So what is Ramly. I was only introduced to it when my husband's friend BAI and his brother (now deceased God bless his soul) opened a Ramly Stall outside their house. the love affair grew.. and became full blown when I was carrying KB inside me. Everynight I would crave for Ramly. So my fixation for a good Ramly began. 

So I often sniffed out where the good Ramly stalls are and tonight I want to share this one with you.

It is called brother stall.. then again any supper stall is called a brother's stall.

Situated outside a corner chinese restaurant bee fatt at Damansara Uptown, opposite the food court. 

His Ramly burger scores an 8.5 out 10 on average. 

if you are damn hungry it shoots right out of the chart and becomes 10.5 out of 10. 

I recommend AYAM SPECIAL TAMBAH CHEEZE.

YOU boleh order apa apa. THE MAGIC IS IN HIS SAUCE.. saya tak tau dalam sos ada apa.. tapi sagat istimewa. hahaaha.

My Hubby orders DAGING SPECIAL.

this place is not suitable for vegetarians or seafood vegetarian.. :(

I strongly recommend a stroll to the neighbourhood magazine stall Selvan or bookstall First Edition for side order.

Magazines goes well with junk food. 

YUM YUM YUM. Enjoy. 

I am not the only blogger who blog about him check this out.

http://bangsar-babe.blogspot.com/2009/03/brother-john-burger-damansara-utama.html

p.s. brother is actually brother john.. man .. I am smart.

 

Intangible Tangible

I was idling at 12.05pm at damansara area.

Too little time to go back office. Too much time to spend before picking up kb at 12.30pm.

I wonder off a few streets away from kb school and as I was driving I found a very interesting bakery cum cafe place. its called the bread shop.

To feed my curiosity, I walked into the shop. The ultra modern industrial interior,basic building materials, golden luscious breads at the counter..oooo 

I was so proud of my surprise find.

I looked at the beautiful tempting selection, chose a simple plain roll and a black coffee. 

Paid, i chose a seat at the cement counter.. I thought this is just bliss.

But as I am sitting there enjoying the place, I wrote a little something :

You can look

You be inspired

You can emulate

but you cannot take away.

All striped down, 

what's in the centre of things and creations

is one's imagination.

I came and I paid RM8 for a plain roll and black coffee.

I didn't pay to eat or drink

I paid to enjoy a part of your dream.

The owner of this place turned an intangible thought i.e dream into a tangible, that tangible place i.e. setting brought out the intangibles,calm, tranquility, comfort, admiration, inspiration, happiness, inside me. 

HUMAN THE ALMIGHTY CREATOR OF THINGS.

it all started with a thought, a question of 'what if?', a wild imagination.

I firmly believe that it is those who can turn the intangibles into tangibles which evokes intangibles who are indeed successful.

Let me bring to this place one day and you will understand why I was so inspired.

Candy Shop

I took 40mins to put my pictures into a Pendrive.

I took my daughter and RM57, I walked into my candy shop.

It took me one day of anticipation.

It took 2 men to save my files, to run it through the machine.

It took 20 mins to develop my photos.

It took 1 friendly lady to talk to me while waiting.

It cost RM55.30 in total.

I took back 150photos.

2 colours 4colours.. 

I walked out of the candy shop. 

I took one look and knew I am the happiest child on earth tonight.

Hole lee Crap!

Hole lee days..

Hole lee ness..

Hole lee Cow?

but today, all I would like to say is Hole lee Crap!

Full of crap. the kind of crap people can offload is simply amazing.

The amount of crap a person can take before exploding is also equally as amazing.

So its been a productive day.. but yet it too is a pretty crappy day cos some where out in the wild .. some crappy buggers have passed some real dung into our systems. 

Real crap.. leaving me and many of us a distaste.... 

Clouds

I have been taking photos while I am driving. 

Thank God it not against the law to be holding the phone camera.

and as you are driving it difficult to capture a lot of things especially when you are constantly in motion. 

So I end up taking a lot of what is stationary. the sky. The sky is vast , bright and filled with interesting forms. The clouds don't move becos I am driving. it stays still as if it is posing for me to take pictures. 

I spent a lot of time driving, I honestly hate having to drive so much. I just recently recover from a phobia for driving. I had to distract myself. So I decided to use my handy portable phone camera to take pictures. I really don;t look at what pictures I am taking. I see something I like I just take out the camera and snap snap snap. And its only when I download then I get to see what I have taken. And some of the best pictures feature the clouds in the sky. 

They are unpredictable. in many of my pictures are literally the white fluffy cotton clouds. they make you wish you can run between them. But you and i know, that they are not always like this. When they turn dark and gloomy, thick and angry, red, purple grey or black, you and i know what comes after. They flash and roar as if we have done them wrong. They rain and pour gallons and gallons of rain water,  as if they are moaning for unrest souls.  

There are days, where they made me moody, made me sad, made me worried and made me scared...of course their rain made me wet too. Then just as you think it will never end, the rain stop. And cloudless sky becomes unbearable, and we send planes up into the sky to make clouds again. ..

So people around me, are like clouds. Being with them on their fluffy days are like a walk through heaven. You wish its like that forever. But when you see them turning dark and grouchy, you want to quickly stay far away and hide. But I cannot leave without the clouds that is a fact.  I will cloud seed if I have to. 

and just like clouds... they too fly away someday ..

 

Photos

Look! they are real. you can touch them.

i did this becos of these people... becos they inspired me.

yap hoi yan - she gave me a journal with her treasured photos. She is a creative genius.

janice tyan - another creative soul, my sifu, my biggest cheer leader.

raymond chang whose recent fixation on photography, made me look at photo taking in a different light. you inspired me.

Erna Dyanty- your photos. oooo la la.

dora ong who is always there with encouraging words.

Mojo and Phanie, whose beautiful phototaking habit has really rub off.

Looloo who keeps updating the technical know hows in photography

Joshua who keep posting the ahhhhahhh.. I wish i did that photos.

my dad who I love very much, who gave me the first photos in my life, whose attitude towards life continues to inspire me.

my mom, becos she is my mom and I love her so so so very much. 

Hayley and Kobe who taught me to view this life from a different angle.

my green Iphone without you, where will there be my beautiful photos.

Last but not least. God. When I look at the photos I see You and your creations. 

Change

they keep saying the only constant is Change. 

If change is a constant and human by default don't like changes.

Constant = Change and Change = Dislikes

Constant = Dislikes

Hence the equation shows that we will be in a constant mode of dislikes and displeasure.

The weather keeps changing. But we kinda adapt accordingly.

Trends keep changing, and we try desperately to adopt 

Technology keeps changing and we pay a bomb just to keep up

Cannot say that all change are bad then.

perhaps if we get something out of the change and its something desirable then we won;t resist change as much...

I think we get really touchy if someone change something of our creation, something we take ownership of, something which we feel we have put in alot of effort in doing.

Changing it would be seen as a threat, a sign of disrespect hence we will show a lot of resistance.

Like if you were to change the way I write this blog then you will be asking for it.. the same goes for my photo. 

So perhaps, if change is inevitable, then perhaps we should not take so much ownership in things. Make them things of the public... then perhaps when its being changed .. it won't hurt as much.

I blog to help myself tonight.. to talk to myself about issues I face... to explain to myself of why some things happened the way it happened.. 

Perhaps you can share with me your views about change...

today..a bit tired

Sports

Do you know i used to play badminton, table tennis, bowling and then golf?

I used to play badminton with my primary school friend.

I cannot remember her name. She is the only one who would encourage me to play.

I think I am handicapped cos my hand eye coordination is really bad.

But she insisted cos i think she cannot find a partner to play with her.

We would play at the playground behind my house in Jalan Bukit Merah.

No court, no net. Just 100% cement floor. I can never see where's the 'ball', shuttlecock?

On rare occasions, I would managed to hit it back to my friend, and that would be enough to trigger me into buy the TOP of TOP range badminton racket..YONEX! I made sure it was light, it was shiny, it had a special name which i cannot remember now. Most importantly, when I swing aka SMASH, it will make a whipping sound. Straight after I bought the badminton racket, my friend and I grew less fond of each other. I think she figured WDF playing with me. She had a better chance playing with a wall. 

I would consider one day picking up that badminton sport again. After gaining much inspiration from my new home country and its world famous players. Not to mention a chance to meet LIN DAN.. zero? 

Cool. Proton I would like to play badminton. Will you sponsor a novice like me? 

 

Hallo Anybody?

48 hours and hours counting.

Deprived of food, water and sleep send my brains and system into a tailspin.

Amidst this I try to pretend I can behave like a pro but actually I feel worse than a toilet bowl.

Figures, designs, time management, deadlines, rationale, wit, heart .. I cannot keep track.

It feel likes it will never end.. the drama keeps playing.

I feel like the marathon runner.. sprinting towards the goal only....

I swing between different state of minds.. I wanted to quit.. I really did.

Pit stop .. I get to recover alittle.. but I am vomitting, suffering an aftermath.

I took some photos to commemorate what I did and document how I feel.

I show you if you don;t mind. I let my camera do the talking and it did a perfect job.

p.s. Best of all, I am really not alone and many suffered worse.

Little Hayley

TO HAYLEY 

I LOVE YOU 

MAMA

knowing self and others

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Erikson%27s_stages_of_psychosocial_development

doo do doo do dooo ...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Value_theory

doo do doo do dooo ...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kohlberg%27s_stages_of_moral_development

doo do doo do dooo ...

am reading to become a mind reader... wish me luck. 

Wish list

Not too long ago, someone asked me to prepare a wish list. 

The idea of a wish list fascinates me, cos I cannot recall making a wish list. 

Initially, I thought the person has asked me what I would like to achieve in this lifetime.

But actually the person is just asking for a list of potential clients i would like to meet.

I think to myself again, how fascinating, I have never put it that way before. 

For as long as I have worked in this business, I haven't never really create a list of companies I would like to meet. 

Then the daunting task of thinking and writing them down.  The word 'wishlist' keep playing in my head over and over again. Having so much work pending, thoughts all over the place, I cannot think straight. I started randomly thinking about what i have been doing and what I wish for for various aspects of my life. 

I stumbled upon my sister's blog and saw a childhood picture of us. It reminded me how far (even physically) we have travelled. That's really an achievement.

So back to that the wish list: 

Children to be happy and healthy. 

Hayley to break that junk food eating habit

Kobe to be able to learn like a normal child

Hubby to be happy, healthy, wealthy and wise... 

Mom and Dad to be happy and healthy

Siblings to be happy, healthy, wealthy and wise

Family members to be happy and healthy

My business partners and my colleagues to be happy, healthy, wealthy and wise

As for myself, to be happy, healthy, wealthy and wise... 

An administrator would be nice

101 on how to tame Malaysian Tigers. 

And to wish that if anyone of the above crosses your path, I hoped you too will be infected by our joy, good health, generosity and wisdom.

p.s. Are those tiger stripes I see in today's sky?

 

Your Smile Makes Me Cry

Little boy. You love to smile. 

You smiled when you were born. 

When the doctor brought you to me on the day you were born, i was the one who cried like a baby.

When you were a baby, you smiled like a little honey pot. Strangers swarmed to pinch your cheeks. You didn't know any of them but you smiled at them still.

When you grew slightly older, you became sick. When you smiled again, I cried again.

You smile all the time. You even smiled when you had tears in your eyes.

And I wonder,

did you smile becos you see God smiling at you while we can't? 

did you smile becos you see happiness in everything you touched? 

did you smile becos you know that we love you so much that we cry when we see you smile?

I love you, boyboy, Kobebaby. Happy Birthday! I wish you will grow up to be strong healthy and of course always smiling.

beetle

Mr and Mrs Chan live next door.

I arrived in Petaling Jaya in 1995. Mr and Mrs Chan are our neighbours. This elderly couple who were in their late 60s or perhaps early 70s has 3 children.Only one of them lives with them. I used to watch them becos there is no wall between our houses. 

They were just divided by a mesh wire fence. From what i observed, they lived fairly routined lives. Every morning I would see them drive out somewhere in their vintage white VW beetle. My husband was very fond of the VW Beetle and used to tell me that if only Mr Chan would sell his beetle, he would buy it in a blink of an eye. They never did.. it was their prize possession. I watched them drive around in it for over a decade. Now long ago to my surprise, I saw Mr and Mrs Chan driving out in a new perodua kelisa. As for the beetle, it just sat quietly in their garden. 

and in recent months, I stopped seeing Mr and Mrs Chan. I wonder where have they gone, and felt kinda sad that those familiar faces are not around. and their house looked deserted. The beetle that once carried them around is also found deserted at the side of the road. I woke up this morning to a loud uncomfortable sound. when i looked out, this is what I saw. 

Goodbye the friendly neighbourhood VW beetle. You did well. I will remember you..as you once faithfully accompanied your beloved owners and brought them safely to many places. I envy you as you would have learnt from Mr and Mrs Chan, what is love, what it meant to honour marriage vows and remain steadfast in this journey call life.  

Muahahaha

My friends at work were busy. I couldn't help them.

I was agitated. I was charged. I was inspired and then I was restless.

So I went to my computer. I look for that _ _ _ _ _  _ _ _ image.

I put it in my preview software and amateurishly changed the colour to my liking

I looked into my library and looked for that _ _ _ _  _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ photo I took. 

I printed, enlarged and photocopied them on top of one another.

My friend were still busy and oblivious of what I was doing.

I found a chalk wrote a so then I thought was a clever word. 

And one of my busy friend saw what I was doing and offered to help me add some finishing touches to it. 

Enthusiastically I took my first commercially intended visual to my client.

I sold them the sun, the moon and even threw in some free planets from other galaxies.

They told me in the most encouraging tone, that they loved my concept but were doubtful about the execution i.e. my creatives. 

I knew I didn;t stand a chance when they casually shoved my artwork one side.

MUAHAHAHAHAHA.... SOBS SOBS SOBS.

Good try, but honestly I really don't know what got into me.. perhaps the RED BULL Vapors lingering in the office atmosphere..

this is also the reason why my friends at work continue to be busy. As for me, I like to say " I just watched" 

p.s. Hats off guys I really love you. 

Alamak What's This?

What is This? You look like a machine monster.
So ugly.. sorry no offense.
Oh man... but seriously what are you?
Who build you and why are you here?
There were 4 or 5 of you parked by the side of the road.
You must serve a purpose or otherwise you would not be here.
But seriously why do you have to look like this?

Blog Therapy

Blogging is so strange... I am discussing the issue about blogging with my significant other. 

Discussing the interest value of subject matters of your blog entries. 

I ponder upon this new found habit. And reflects on the many blogs I have come across and read since I started this. 

I realise the attraction to this new found habit lies with a few human behaviour fundementals: to feel important, 

to be heard and acceptance, the share...(perhaps there are more)

the irony to be private yet voicing our innermost thoughts in a public media

Amidst this vast media arena awaiting for our voice to be heard and endorsed.

To make a mark in this lifetime before we part and say yes I have existed. 

People know my existence becos they can see my blog.

We are civil here, we are patient, we are considerate and we are gentlemen (at least in most cases)

During verbal conversation, we cannot wait to be heard. So we tend to talk more than we listen.

Here while blogging we can talk and listen at the same time. We take time to reflect what is being said and respond intelligently. Everyone gets an equal chance. Everyone has access to everyone. I can even read and comment on the Prime Minister's blog if I want to , no special permit necessary. if ISA catch you for what you blogged, they will later have to apologise and go answer to the human right's commissioner. 

We can be different people with different voices in blogs, no one will bring us to asylum.

Who can blame us afterall we are made to be intelligent beings..

Last most important fundemental of being a human.. Honesty.. 

I related to that honesty I have in my blogs and I can sniff out a honest blog from one which is not.. I applaud the courage for people to confess and admit.. success, challenges and responsibilities of being a human. 

So Viva la Bloggers... Blog like there's no tomorrow.. 

p.s. Thanks for the wonderful feedback on that previous blog cos I was trying to find a reason for this crazy midnight habit.. you breathe meaning to my insanity.

With love.

Do you like my blog

Dear blog readers, I have been blogging for 1 month.. faithfully.

like many promotional activities its good to have feedback once in a while to improve.

Can you give me some feedback. If perhaps you are lost for words, maybe a question to help you with : "Do you like my blog"

thank you for reading.. really it means alot to me. Cos some people looked at me differently during this exercise.. I look at myself and my world differently. 

2009 April 4

April 4 2009, Chinese don't like the no.4. It sounds like 'die' in chinese.

this day happens to be one of the saddest days in my life. I have less than 5 really sad days to date.It must be really really sad in order for it to make this list. 

I remember sitting in the cab feeling absolutely helpless, sobbing quietly and praying for God to take over. It was also Qing Ming (all soul's day for the chinese). 

I later received a phone call, telling me my prayers were answered. Though I was relieved but my heart was still heavy. I went on to watch Cheer Chen's Concert. 

But I heard an angel sings at this concert. 

Her angelic child like voice sang of lyrics from the deepest, most private of one's heart. She said very little to build rapport with the audience. There are no small talks, no flattery. Just compliments to the musicians and gratitude for opportunity to share music. Cheer is a strange girl..according to a friend she is extremely shy with very little social skills. Her songs are like musical entries from a diary. She too may have experienced bad patches in her life. But she sang of hope and love. its as if she was singing to the one person whom I know was struggling that night. The concert is for her to Cheer her on. But she is not there to listen for herself. I represented her that night in attending the concert. She was the one who introduced Cheer to us. She is really an amazing girl, A Living Angel just like Cheer. She is my sister.  

Girl with her bao

This is Hayley. She loves her Bao. Tau Sa Bao, Char Siew Bao, Kong Ba Bao,

At this stage if a boy showed up with 1 dozen baos, she would elope.. :)

She sat in my car, back seat, eating her bao..

I just watched.

Lights

This is a picture of the sun light casting a shadow on my bed.

Somewhere out there the same sun is casting shadows too.

I just watched.

Clouds

This is a picture of the clouds I saw in the sky today.

Other clouds were forming else where.

I just watched. 

Bad Judges

You drive a fancy car you must be rich, you wear a suit you must be some important person,

you look good you must be so confident, you are so friendly and approachable you must be kind,

you are famous we should admire you, you are the boss your life is better than mine,

you are sick you must be weak, you don't complain means things are fine, 

you smile a lot you must be happy, you laugh a lot so nothing ever bother you, 

you never ask so you don't need, you are my mother so you should know it all, 

you are chinese so you must be... you are malay so you must be..... you are indian so you must be... you are caucasian so you must be... , you are...da de da da da...

Shallow Shallow Shallow Shha Shha Shha Shame Shame Shame Shh Shh Shh Shoo Shoos..

Quiet.

Listen.. Just listen and observe.. so arrogant you think you know but you don't. 

Look at the white which is whiter in dark.. Look at the dark for it stands out against the white. The truth... is who would ever show you the truth